Le nouvel observateur
8th-14th August 1996
Philippe Sollers
I do not like the systematic reduction of infidelity to a sexual matter. For me, fidelity is a kind of shared childhood, a form of innocence. If we lose this innocence, then we become unfaithful. Love affairs, passions, and the rest do not count for me. People really become unfaithful when their relationship becomes too rigid, when they become serious to the point of resentment. True infidelity is a kind of intellectual betrayal. I am against being open about one's love affairs. I am against the type of contract of total transparency Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir had between them. I am an advocate of secrecy. I think this so-called transparency was in fact a form of reciprocal inhibition, as if they had signed a contract of parallel frigidity. I believe that when you are having a real orgasm, you do not have to talk about it. Moreover, nobody really knows how Sartre led his life. He was a very secretive man.
Over the past century, our ideas about sex have undergone a fundamental change: before, sex was demonised, now it is supposed to contain the whole truth about human life. Exploited by technology and the media, sex has become boring.
A human being should not have to justify his sexuality. He is only accountable to himself. I can be accountable to others in social, intellectual or emotional matters, but not with regards to my sexuality. Sexual control is an unacceptable idea.
The presence of two women at Mitterrand's funeral seemed a bit petit-bourgeois. Why not five? France has a tradition in these matters. It deserved better. Frankly, I was disappointed. But I suppose, as long as the Americans were shocked-we cannot ask for too much, can we?
Julia Kristeva
Love is made up of two inseparable components: the need for complicity and fidelity, and the dramatic urge of desire, which can lead to infidelity. Love is a subtle mix of fidelity and infidelity. For me, fidelity is not about renouncing extramarital affairs. It is about respecting your partner's body and sensitivity when you do have affairs.
One has to accept, however, that infidelity can be very unpleasant. It remains a trying experience. It can maim and sometimes even kill. But one can also laugh about it.
The sense of fidelity goes back to childhood and the child's need for security. Personally, I consider myself to have received a fair amount of fidelity during my childhood. This has given me a great deal of self-confidence. I had already suffered from infidelity when I was younger, but I would not say that I felt betrayed. Betrayal does not affect me that much.
Unlike Philippe, however, I do not believe that complete secrecy is possible. You always know, or at least, you always end up knowing. The question then is: do you talk about it or not? You can admit to having an affair in a way which is hurtful to your partner or in a way which respects him. All of us have known couples who were ultra-liberal and who told each other about their affairs with such sado-masochistic indulgence that their relationship broke down. In telling your partner everything, there is a hidden desire to destroy him as well as the person with whom you had an affair. You should always ask yourself: why should I tell? What am I going to achieve by talking about it? Complete sincerity in these matters is an illusion.
The current period is characterised by unemployment, the end of popular protests and the fear of Aids. These new phenomena favour a return to the values of the couple and of fidelity. The need for security is of the utmost importance and economic autonomy is very limited. It is impossible to behave in a libertarian way without a minimum of psychological and financial security. But most women, despite their efforts, have not yet attained these goals.
It is very difficult to imagine a situation where one of us could really fall in love with someone else. We are too obsessed with ourselves and with each other for something like this to happen. Difficulties certainly can arise when one of us has an affair which is more significant than the others. But there is a fundamental philosophical "entente" between us that dissolves the other affair, or at least relegates it to a lower status. I cannot understand how someone can feel betrayed. When you feel betrayed, this means that you have completely lost your self-confidence.
