If I ruled the world: Kathy Lette

If I ruled the world my first edict would be to give women total control of planet Earth. What with the state of the Middle, sorry, the Muddle East, melting polar caps, geographical kleptomaniacs like rootin’, tootin’, shootin’ Putin, on-going financial meltdown fuelled by testosterone-addled bankers, Brexit and Trump trumpeting racism, we girls can’t possibly do a worse job than the blokes. And let’s face it, women who’ve given birth are better equipped to deal with the vicissitudes of life—after all, we’ve been stitched up and experienced acute pain. If what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, then mothers are made of titanium so could easily take on the task of running the world. I’m sure we’d have most of the planet’s problems solved in a few hours. Certainly by the cocktail hour anyway.

If women ruled the world, we could also get the scientists to take some time off from working on the Large Hadron Collider to prove that kale is fattening and cake and cocktails packed with vitamins. Plus chocolate would go straight to your boobs.

Society’s obsession with the bikini wax would also wane. If women ruled the world, in the nude, we’d all look as though we each had one of the Jackson five, circa 1970, in a headlock. Our pudendas would be awarded National Park status.

If women held power, elasticated tracksuit pants would be the height of fashion. Speaking of height, if women were in charge, high heels would also become a low priority. With female politicians sprinting around the G20 in comfortable flats, crippling stilettos would become a fashion faux pas. Female engineers will simply invent a shoe that is flat all day then magically transforms into a high heel at night. I already have a name for it—the Social Climber.

So yes, flat shoes will sell like the hotcakes men will be spending all their time cooking, because house-husbandry classes would also be mandatory. Men will be spending all their time cooking, because house-husbandry classes would also be mandatory. Men will not only attend training schools to learn to put down the toilet seat but also to understand that sitting on the loo is not a leisure activity.

The top dish served by restaurants will be domestic goddess, roasted slowly, on a spit. Blokes will soon learn that there’s no greater aphrodisiac than the sight of a man in a cooking apron. Pwhoooor! That’s a definite recipe for romantic success. The way to a woman’s heart is definitely through her stomach. That is not aiming too high.

Speaking of sex… if women ruled the world, we would no longer have to fake orgasms either, because men would no longer fake foreplay. Female genital orienteering courses would also be compulsory. (By the way boys, a woman’s favourite destination is a cosy little spot which goes by the name of “G.”) Under female tutelage, men would finally realise that the Kama Sutra is not an Indian takeaway, and “mutual orgasm” not an insurance company.

Imagine it girls! With women running the world, we would never again be condescended to by car mechanics, exploited by tradesmen, overlooked for promotion or groped on crowded buses or trains. In fact, men would finally realise that that we no longer want their seats on the bus—we want their seats on the board.

And, while talking about buses… Another top priority would be to install pink lanes next to bus lanes, reserved for working mothers, so we can get to the school gate on time. (“Working mothers”—Now there’s a tautology.) Over-stretched mums are always running late. When I had two children under five, I was often so tired I’d throw the dirty clothes into the washing machine with the kids still in them and butter my hand with marmite and place it on their plates.

If women ran the world, we could finally achieve equal pay. From early November onwards, British women effectively stop earning for the year in relation to men. But a chancellor called Georgina Osborne would put an end to female debt-lag.

An all-female High Court will also make sure that rape victims are not brutalised by “she asked for it” insinuations. Imagine anyone saying that in a murder trial—“Yes, it was consensual death.”

If women ruled the world, war would be passé, tampons would be free, wrinkles celebrated and motherhood the ultimate accolade. Women would finally feel that everything is possible except for mountaineering in stilettos and moon landing in a ball gown.