"Mind-altering substances" at PMQs

With three minutes to go before the start of Prime Minister's Questions, George Osborne, the Chancellor, arrived—moments later, the Prime Minister appeared and both took their places on the front bench. The Prime Minister was not wearing his glasses which was unusual. How could he need them one week, but not the next? Has he switched to contact lenses—or are the glasses more prop than necessity, an attempt to emphasise the cosy, donnish aspects of the Cameron character? Opposite the PM, the two Eds, Balls and Miliband took their seats: Edwardian Labour in all its splendour.

Steve Brine (Cons, Winchester) went first, asking the PM about the "nightmare unfolding at the Co-op Bank." "Does the Prime Minister share my sense of disbelief," at the appointment of the Reverend Flowers as the bank's Chairman, asked Brine. Flowers has recently run into serious trouble —as has the Co-op bank. Flowers' problems were bandied about in the House today, although it should be pointed out that although he has left the bank, the details of the transaction that was filmed by The Mail on Sunday and which appeared to involve Reverend Flowers are not precisely known. Yet. The police are investigating.

The PM said that discussions were taking place with regulators about an inquiry into how things went so badly wrong at the Co-op bank, and added that if anyone had information it was important that they "stand up and provide it to the authorities." At that moment, Ed Miliband stood up. This was either a clever or lucky moment for the PM as, in standing, Miliband seemed to obey the PM's instruction that the guilty should rise. The Government benches roared their approval at this strange piece of choreography.

Miliband then took proceedings off in a somewhat orthogonal direction by asking about present efforts to save the Chipping Norton Children's centre, which is in the Prime Minister's own constituency. Once Cameron had ensured the Commons that he fought hard for such facilities, Miliband mockingly noted that the PM had signed a petition to keep it open. Has he forwarded the petition to the local Tory Council, asked Miliband, "or is he taking it right to the top?" The focus then moved to comments made by the planning Minister, Nick Boles (Cons, Grantham and Stamford) who said recently that the "single biggest problem," for the Tories was that they were "seen as the party of the rich." The Opposition benches loved this.

The temperature in the House was escalating and a series of interventions from the Speaker followed. Cameron responded saying that the Co-op gave "soft loans" to Labour and that its top executives had "trooped in and out of Downing Street," when Labour was in power. Miliband once more threw Boles's comments at the PM and in a cod theatrical manner looked about the chamber for him, shouting "where is he?" at the PM. Referring to the Co-op bank, Cameron commented that "we've finally found a public inquiry [Miliband] doesn't want," appearing at this point to confirm that an inquiry was going ahead into the Co-op (although a No 10 spokesman later denied this.) The line went down well and the Prime Minister decided to up the point-scoring ante with a reference to the leaked internal Labour email in which Ed Balls, the Shadow Chancellor had been referred to as a "nightmare." Deafening noise. Miliband shouted across the floor about the cost of living crisis that he said was engulfing the country before finishing his questions with the declaration that "this Prime Minister is a loser," in this way bringing the debate to new heights of Parliamentary sophistication. It was not a good moment for Ed.

In reply the PM bit him hard—on the Unions, on his "nightmare" Shadow Chancellor, on banks, on the economy. Miliband was, on this occasion, impaled.

George Osborne then received a message on an iPhone. Your correspondent was sitting almost directly overlooking Osborne, who scribbled down on a piece of paper what was on the screen and then passed it to the PM who slotted it into his file. When it came time for the PM to read the few lines, it turned out to be a tweet from a former Labour Minister, Tony McNulty, who had said that what Labour needed was a "Prime Minister in waiting," and not somebody who engaged in "Westminster village knockabout." Again, the Tory benches loved it, especially as this custard pie had been cast at Miliband by one of his own.

Towards the end of the session Michael Meacher (Lab, Oldham W and Royton) asked why business investment in Britain was so poor and pointed to a recent article in the Economist showing Mali to have higher levels. To this the PM answered that he could only assume that the Hon Gentleman had been for a night out on the tiles with the Reverend Flowers, during which he must have indulged excessively in "mind-bending substances." Meacher did not like this one bit and neither did the Labour benches, which seethed at this bad-mouthing of one of their own. The Shadow Chancellor was heard shouting questions at Cameron about his own past and as the session continued, a Labour huddle developed. Jack Straw (Lab, Blackburn) leaned over to speak to Meacher who indicated to the Speaker that he wished to call a point of order. Labour MPs shouted at the PM to apologise for the comment, which he ignored.

Once the session was ended, Meacher did indeed call a point of order, saying that he asked a "perfectly reasonable question." "Is it Parliamentary to suggest a member has been taking 'mind-bending substances'?" he asked. The Prime Minister responded by saying he wished only to make "a light-hearted remark," and that he would happily apologise if genuine offence had been caused. He called for "a sense of humour on all sides," as Labour MPs shouted "shame," at him across the emptying chamber.