My Lords and Members of the House of Commons, My Government will level up opportunities across all parts of the United Kingdom.
At our regular audience ahead of my big speech, the prime minister told me he hasn’t the faintest idea what this phrase means but it goes down a storm in a place called the “red wall”—apparently that’s Hartlepool not the Tate Modern. The Financial Times, which gives me share tips, says “there is a widespread cluelessness” about levelling-up in No 10 and that “it is a running joke that it’s a slogan without a purpose.” The problem, according to the bean counters, is that the parts of Britain hit worst by post-Brexit unemployment are the same places they are supposed to be levelling-up. When I mentioned this to Mr Johnson he said: “no problem, ma’am, your subjects won’t realise this until after the next general election when I’m back on the celebrity circuit.”
My Government will continue the vaccination programme, providing additional funding to support the NHS. Proposals on social care reform will be brought forward.
The PM said to me, in confidence, that he thinks “vaccination victory” will do for him what victory in the Falklands War did for Mrs Thatcher. But he says the problem is that it has also made my subjects even more attached to the NHS, which Lord Lawson used to call, and I don’t think he meant this kindly, “the closest thing the English have to a religion.” So he said he needs to pretend to be giving it lots more money while ducking the biggest challenge of all which would cost billions to sort out—namely, social care for the elderly. The “proposals” on this—note he didn’t say “legislation”—will apparently involve lots of options and consultation, so nothing much changing any time soon. It is the same with those several other nice-sounding sentences in my speech—"proposals will be brought forward to create and support jobs," "measures will be introduced to ensure that support for businesses reflects the UK's strategic interest," "my Ministers will address lost learning during the pandemic." As for the sentence, "Measures will be brought forward to address racial and ethnic disparities," I read in the papers that the Sewell report, written in No 10, denied that these even existed.
My Government will strengthen the economic ties across the union, investing in and improving national infrastructure. Proposals will be taken forward to extend 5G mobile coverage and gigabit capable broadband.
Now the SNP has failed to get a majority in the Scottish Parliament, one is told that there might not need to be another of those horrible independence referendums any time soon, so I won’t now be evicted from Balmoral before my 100th birthday. I keep asking Mr Johnson when I will be able to get up there by high-speed train but he is evasive, despite these warm words about infrastructure. He has cancelled the extension of HS2 from Birmingham to Leeds—apparently he needs the money for more handouts to his “red wall”—which means there won’t be any of those new trains running through to Edinburgh. As for 5G, even 4G doesn’t work on one’s mobile phone in Buck House, so this must be more “gigabit-capable waffle.”
The UK is committed to achieving net zero greenhouse gas emissions by 2050 and will continue to lead the way internationally by hosting the COP26 Summit.
Everybody wants to save the world, so I was glad to have the chance to say so out loud in my speech. It can only be done by repeating the vaccine strategy—an industrial policy to “do what it takes,” which—Mr Johnson tells me his officials tell him—will involve re-orientating production and procurement to achieve “net zero.” I still wasn’t quite clear what this involved, and—to be honest—I’m not sure whether he was either. Still, it sounds a positive thought. And how about using that wonderful volunteer army at the vaccination centres to restore our parks, coastline, urban green spaces and tree-planting?
Legislation will be introduced to ensure the integrity of elections, protect freedom of speech and restore the balance of power between the executive, legislature and the courts.
Apparently the intention is to do the opposite of this, but obviously my Government couldn’t say that. It wants to engage in something the awful Trump called “voter suppression,” by requiring people to carry photo ID to cast a ballot. “Restore the balance of power” actually means, it turns out, “destroy the balance of power” by clipping the wings of courts who seek to hold ministers to accepted legal standards of reasonableness and transparency. Another sentence which means the opposite of what it says is: “My Government will continue to provide aid where it has the greatest impact on reducing poverty and alleviating human suffering.” They have just slashed the aid budget to ribbons.
Measures will be brought forward to strengthen devolved Government in Northern Ireland and address the legacy of the past.
So far my Government has weakened devolved government in Northern Ireland—by Brexit, then threatening the protocol it negotiated to maintain the Good Friday Agreement an open border with the Republic of Ireland. So I could only hope and pray, as I read this sentence, that at least this one line might actually means what it says.
Oh and these sentences—"Legislation will increase sentences for the most serious and violent offenders,” and “Measures will be brought forward to establish a fairer immigration system that strengthens our borders”—seem to have been in every speech I have been given to read, by Tory and Labour prime ministers, at every session of Parliament for 50 years. I wonder why?
