Is it selfish to adopt a child?Dear Wilhemina
My husband and I have two children, aged ten and 13. As life is going pretty well, we’re considering something that we’ve always wanted to do: adopting a child. We have the financial means as well as the emotional resources. We haven’t yet talked about the idea with our children, but have mentioned it to a few close friends and family—all of whom have been at best lukewarm and at worst hostile. They say it would disrupt our family life and would be unfair to our existing children. Are we being selfish by trying to make someone else benefit from our good fortune?
X and Y
Dear X and Y You have interesting close friends and family! Perhaps, though, they are picking up on your own view of your family, as something deliberately curated. Of course, a family can be something that you actively shape, add to and think about. But you may be missing part of the point: it’s supposed to be an adventure. This is one decision that you cannot make only as a couple—your children have to be on board. If you want them to be even remotely enthusiastic about the idea, make them feel as if it is an adventure happening to all of you, and include them in every aspect of the decision. Be prepared for the inevitable “why are we not enough” question and think about a good answer that goes beyond “we are very lucky and we should share it”—even children who feel very lucky don’t particularly want to see this tested at that age. They also need to be prepared for the long wait before a child arrives. Finally, you might want to make this part of a broader change such as a new house, so that the whole family re-learns to live somewhere new. Whatever happens, you need to involve your kids—never mind friends and family WilheminaIs happiness an impossible aim?Dear Wilhemina I’ve been taking antidepressants for six months and I think they may be helping. But the current spate of books on depression, antidepressants and the vain pursuit of happiness is starting to make me resent the pills. Is feeling better an impossible aim? Are we simply being manipulated by big pharma and doctors looking for an easy way out? I’m starting to feel low about feeling up. Hesitant of LeedsDear Hesitant of Leeds As you’ve noticed, this discussion is occurring against a much wider backdrop. We are questioning the value of happiness, the relative value of melancholy (for example, Against Happiness: In Praise of Melancholy by Eric G Wilson) and the possibility of settling for what you have. At the same time, we have a sudden suspicion of the medicalisation of sadness (see Gary Greenberg’s Manufacturing Depression and Irving Kirsch’s The Emperor’s New Drugs). This is unsurprising in these times: self-improvement mantras and “can do” attitudes are being tested by the realities of recession and so we destigmatise feeling bad. If the 1990s was the decade of happiness, then this is the epoch of gloom. The debate around antidepressants is twofold. First, should we want to feel better at all costs, evading what may be natural states of melancholy and pathologising what might simply be a part of the human condition—thereby possibly making things worse? Second, if we accept that depression is an illness, is there a cure? And does it involve chemicals or talking therapies? We may well have over-medicalised normal reactions to stress, anxiety and sadness, and big pharma has made billions from this. But people who suffer from deep depression do not give the impression that they are merely coping badly with reality. Would we rather weaken resilient individuals with antidepressants, or alienate those already vulnerable by failing to address their pain? Two evils, but the first seems the lesser. Ask yourself some questions about how you really feel. Typically doctors ask when you had an uninterrupted spell of 30 days during which you felt good. But how realistic is that? And what is the definition of “good”? Managing your own expectations is key and, sometimes, antidepressants can help you do this—bringing better sleep, concentration and hormone balance. Above all, trust how you feel. Are you feeling better after six months on the antidepressants? Then feel up about being up. WilheminaI don't know how old my mother isDear Wilhemina My mother’s birthday is coming up. My boyfriend recently asked exactly how old she was and I had to tell him I didn’t know. He was stunned that she has kept her age secret all my life. But this is the way it has always been in our family. We make fun of it, but we don’t think it’s that strange. Is this so terribly bizarre? Alex L
Dear Alex L Robert Frost once said that a diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never her age. Perhaps your family are just eminently diplomatic. But do you really not know, or do you just pretend not to? Have you never come across any documents that give your mother’s year of birth? Has no one in your extended family slipped up (“ah that was the year that Phyllis was born”)? If nothing has ever surfaced, I’d say the strangest thing about your family is definitely not this little birthday game. WilheminaSend your problems—in confidence—to wilhemina@prospect-magazine.co.uk
Dear X and Y You have interesting close friends and family! Perhaps, though, they are picking up on your own view of your family, as something deliberately curated. Of course, a family can be something that you actively shape, add to and think about. But you may be missing part of the point: it’s supposed to be an adventure. This is one decision that you cannot make only as a couple—your children have to be on board. If you want them to be even remotely enthusiastic about the idea, make them feel as if it is an adventure happening to all of you, and include them in every aspect of the decision. Be prepared for the inevitable “why are we not enough” question and think about a good answer that goes beyond “we are very lucky and we should share it”—even children who feel very lucky don’t particularly want to see this tested at that age. They also need to be prepared for the long wait before a child arrives. Finally, you might want to make this part of a broader change such as a new house, so that the whole family re-learns to live somewhere new. Whatever happens, you need to involve your kids—never mind friends and family WilheminaIs happiness an impossible aim?Dear Wilhemina I’ve been taking antidepressants for six months and I think they may be helping. But the current spate of books on depression, antidepressants and the vain pursuit of happiness is starting to make me resent the pills. Is feeling better an impossible aim? Are we simply being manipulated by big pharma and doctors looking for an easy way out? I’m starting to feel low about feeling up. Hesitant of LeedsDear Hesitant of Leeds As you’ve noticed, this discussion is occurring against a much wider backdrop. We are questioning the value of happiness, the relative value of melancholy (for example, Against Happiness: In Praise of Melancholy by Eric G Wilson) and the possibility of settling for what you have. At the same time, we have a sudden suspicion of the medicalisation of sadness (see Gary Greenberg’s Manufacturing Depression and Irving Kirsch’s The Emperor’s New Drugs). This is unsurprising in these times: self-improvement mantras and “can do” attitudes are being tested by the realities of recession and so we destigmatise feeling bad. If the 1990s was the decade of happiness, then this is the epoch of gloom. The debate around antidepressants is twofold. First, should we want to feel better at all costs, evading what may be natural states of melancholy and pathologising what might simply be a part of the human condition—thereby possibly making things worse? Second, if we accept that depression is an illness, is there a cure? And does it involve chemicals or talking therapies? We may well have over-medicalised normal reactions to stress, anxiety and sadness, and big pharma has made billions from this. But people who suffer from deep depression do not give the impression that they are merely coping badly with reality. Would we rather weaken resilient individuals with antidepressants, or alienate those already vulnerable by failing to address their pain? Two evils, but the first seems the lesser. Ask yourself some questions about how you really feel. Typically doctors ask when you had an uninterrupted spell of 30 days during which you felt good. But how realistic is that? And what is the definition of “good”? Managing your own expectations is key and, sometimes, antidepressants can help you do this—bringing better sleep, concentration and hormone balance. Above all, trust how you feel. Are you feeling better after six months on the antidepressants? Then feel up about being up. WilheminaI don't know how old my mother isDear Wilhemina My mother’s birthday is coming up. My boyfriend recently asked exactly how old she was and I had to tell him I didn’t know. He was stunned that she has kept her age secret all my life. But this is the way it has always been in our family. We make fun of it, but we don’t think it’s that strange. Is this so terribly bizarre? Alex L
Dear Alex L Robert Frost once said that a diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never her age. Perhaps your family are just eminently diplomatic. But do you really not know, or do you just pretend not to? Have you never come across any documents that give your mother’s year of birth? Has no one in your extended family slipped up (“ah that was the year that Phyllis was born”)? If nothing has ever surfaced, I’d say the strangest thing about your family is definitely not this little birthday game. WilheminaSend your problems—in confidence—to wilhemina@prospect-magazine.co.uk
