HE’S TURNING INTO ALAN PARTRIDGE Dear Wilhemina My partner and I met ten years ago when we were both in our late twenties. He was fun, urban and edgy. We were both interested in music, design and art. Our life wasn’t a constant party but we enjoyed our freedom. Now he wants to get married (I don’t), have children (I don’t) and move to the country (I really, really don’t). He spends more time thinking about property prices and DIYing than listening to music or discussing art or politics. I feel I’m living with Alan Partridge’s dad. Do you think this might be a phase or is it time to part?
Lucy
Dear Lucy There are two ways of looking at this. The first is yours—that your partner is getting older and is simply no longer interested in the groovy lifestyle you shared. The second is that he has grown up and you haven’t. You might find this boring and, perhaps even unfair (not what you’d bargained for, or even agreed to), but if you think it’s just a phase he’s going through—forget it. Once someone wants a different life and different challenges, not getting them is simply frustrating. In which case, get out before you make each other very unhappy. On the other hand, maybe you’re the one stuck in her ways, and he’s the one who’s ready for adventure. Far from falling into a Lexus lifestyle, he’s pushing for something new and challenging for both of you. Or maybe you’re not really brave and bold enough to contemplate a very different life? Of course it may be that you just don’t want what he does. Just double-check before you turn your back on it. Wilhemina
CROCKS ON THE ROCKS Dear Wilhemina A few years ago, my father suffered a stroke which left him paralysed and extremely bitter. During his long stay in hospital my mother, brother and myself discovered that he had been involved with another woman, herself married and with children, for more than 30 years. My father has refused to give her up, although he doesn’t see much of her because of his health. My mother is devastated but has to take care of him given that she is entirely financially dependent on him. They are both in their early seventies. He is demanding, cantankerous and callous. She is subservient, resentful and angry. And helping them deal with each other is destroying me. What is the best way of handling this? Will G Dear Will G You are grappling with several problems: not all of them yours. The first is a practical one: your parents need to be separated. You don’t say what their financial situation is, but it sounds as if their choices might be limited. You need to sit down, possibly with other family members—where is your brother in all this?—and consider the options. Can your father move into residential care? Can your mother live with family herself, at least for a while? Is there the possibility of her helping in the day but having nights for herself? Or vice versa. Bear in mind that any arrangements may not be permanent—given their age and your fathers health, the situation is bound to change
A thornier issue is the lie that your family was made to live for 30 years. Your father’s refusal to give up his relationship suggests that he’s not seeking forgiveness. In such situations we often focus on the practical because it masks deceit, disappointment and plain anger that might otherwise take over. But you also need to make the most of whatever time you have left with them to cast a light (however crude or dim) on the years you spent together each living a different version of reality. And make sure you come up with a version you can live with. Wilhemina
I'M SO MUCH BETTER THAN MY BOSS Dear Wilhemina My boss is an ungrateful, obsessive, paranoid, disorganised bitch who relies on me to do most of her work and rescue her from every mess she makes in order to maintain her status. This has been going on for nearly four years and I’ve had enough. But is this a good time to quit and look for another job? Pissed off but fearful Dear Pissed off but fearful Well, no, it isn’t the best time to leave. But, heck, the last thing you need is more excuses not to get out of there. Why on earth have you waited until now? Before you do though I have a few questions. Is the situation as bad as you say—or are there triggers (at work or elsewhere) that periodically set you off but don’t really add up to the hell you describe? And four years is a long time to save someone’s ass again and again without anyone noticing. Did you not tell anyone? What could you do to draw attention to your competence? Perhaps on some level this situation suits you as, Kissinger-like, you manoeuvre behind the scenes as your boss’s éminence grise. Seriously, if you can’t afford to go cold turkey then perhaps hold off—but for God’s sake have an exit strategy: give yourself a deadline, get in touch with those people who will form your “escape committee” and seriously examine where you’d like to be. And while you’re at it ask yourself how you’ll avoid being walked on all over next time. Wilhemina
Send your problems—in confidence—to wilhemina@prospect-magazine.co.uk
Dear Lucy There are two ways of looking at this. The first is yours—that your partner is getting older and is simply no longer interested in the groovy lifestyle you shared. The second is that he has grown up and you haven’t. You might find this boring and, perhaps even unfair (not what you’d bargained for, or even agreed to), but if you think it’s just a phase he’s going through—forget it. Once someone wants a different life and different challenges, not getting them is simply frustrating. In which case, get out before you make each other very unhappy. On the other hand, maybe you’re the one stuck in her ways, and he’s the one who’s ready for adventure. Far from falling into a Lexus lifestyle, he’s pushing for something new and challenging for both of you. Or maybe you’re not really brave and bold enough to contemplate a very different life? Of course it may be that you just don’t want what he does. Just double-check before you turn your back on it. Wilhemina
CROCKS ON THE ROCKS Dear Wilhemina A few years ago, my father suffered a stroke which left him paralysed and extremely bitter. During his long stay in hospital my mother, brother and myself discovered that he had been involved with another woman, herself married and with children, for more than 30 years. My father has refused to give her up, although he doesn’t see much of her because of his health. My mother is devastated but has to take care of him given that she is entirely financially dependent on him. They are both in their early seventies. He is demanding, cantankerous and callous. She is subservient, resentful and angry. And helping them deal with each other is destroying me. What is the best way of handling this? Will G Dear Will G You are grappling with several problems: not all of them yours. The first is a practical one: your parents need to be separated. You don’t say what their financial situation is, but it sounds as if their choices might be limited. You need to sit down, possibly with other family members—where is your brother in all this?—and consider the options. Can your father move into residential care? Can your mother live with family herself, at least for a while? Is there the possibility of her helping in the day but having nights for herself? Or vice versa. Bear in mind that any arrangements may not be permanent—given their age and your fathers health, the situation is bound to change
A thornier issue is the lie that your family was made to live for 30 years. Your father’s refusal to give up his relationship suggests that he’s not seeking forgiveness. In such situations we often focus on the practical because it masks deceit, disappointment and plain anger that might otherwise take over. But you also need to make the most of whatever time you have left with them to cast a light (however crude or dim) on the years you spent together each living a different version of reality. And make sure you come up with a version you can live with. Wilhemina
I'M SO MUCH BETTER THAN MY BOSS Dear Wilhemina My boss is an ungrateful, obsessive, paranoid, disorganised bitch who relies on me to do most of her work and rescue her from every mess she makes in order to maintain her status. This has been going on for nearly four years and I’ve had enough. But is this a good time to quit and look for another job? Pissed off but fearful Dear Pissed off but fearful Well, no, it isn’t the best time to leave. But, heck, the last thing you need is more excuses not to get out of there. Why on earth have you waited until now? Before you do though I have a few questions. Is the situation as bad as you say—or are there triggers (at work or elsewhere) that periodically set you off but don’t really add up to the hell you describe? And four years is a long time to save someone’s ass again and again without anyone noticing. Did you not tell anyone? What could you do to draw attention to your competence? Perhaps on some level this situation suits you as, Kissinger-like, you manoeuvre behind the scenes as your boss’s éminence grise. Seriously, if you can’t afford to go cold turkey then perhaps hold off—but for God’s sake have an exit strategy: give yourself a deadline, get in touch with those people who will form your “escape committee” and seriously examine where you’d like to be. And while you’re at it ask yourself how you’ll avoid being walked on all over next time. Wilhemina
Send your problems—in confidence—to wilhemina@prospect-magazine.co.uk
