MY WIFE WON’T LET ME WORK IN A WAR ZONE
Dear Wilhemina
I’m 46 and I work for a large international organisation. I’ve been based in Geneva for a few years and now have the opportunity to work abroad again. But the job is an 18-month posting in what is in effect a war zone and I have a wife and a young family. The pay will be good, but the downsides are the physical threat and that no family visits are allowed. (I will be able to leave once in a while to see them.) My wife is adamantly opposed to it. She says it’s unthinkable as long as three children—as well as she, to some extent—depend on me, and that I just have to accept that this part of my professional life is over. But I miss the excitement and, dare I say it, the thrill. Am I being unreasonable?
Robert
Dear Robert
Yes: unreasonable, selfish and childish. You say you’re 46—grow up! Admitting you miss the thrills is honest, but it doesn’t get you off the hook. You seem to have an extraordinary disregard for what you and your wife have built together. If you had no choice, it would be different and you could argue that your wife had, in part, signed up for this. But you can stay in your job in Geneva and you’ve been on these type of dangerous assignments before, so you haven’t been cheated out of your thrills. Times change, life and family make different demands on you. Surely you know this? Is your life so dull that you need to take such a gamble just to spice it up? If so, that’s what you need to address.
Wilhemina
MY HUSBAND WON’T ADOPT
Dear Wilhemina
What do you do when you desperately want children, you’re 42 and you can’t imagine a life without them, you’ve tried everything and you know that conceiving is very unlikely because you’ve been told your chances are less than 1 in 20—but your husband doesn’t want to adopt? Can you sense my frustration?
Carolina
Dear Carolina
I do sense your frustration; you must feel very alone. But you’re not. The fact is that most women are more open to adoption than men. Even in couples who do adopt, the overwhelming evidence is that the men were at best persuaded, at worst dragged there.
First, try to understand why he may not be so keen. The temptation is to reach for hackneyed explanations such as the importance of the bloodline or heritage for men. While this may be true for some men of your generation, I don’t think this quite does them justice. Given the transformations that gender roles and property arrangements have undergone in the past few decades, I doubt that the lineage aspect is crucial. But men often fear they won’t know what to do when a child arrives—especially as they are now also expected to be much more involved in child-rearing. That fear may lead them to cling to the belief that they’ll find part of themselves in a child, to guarantee a bond. Adoption offers no such reassurance. While women arguably also face this problem, the anxiety seems less acute. Women may wonder if they will love an adopted child in the same way as they would a biological child, but they don’t wonder if they will be able to love them at all, because they’ve already decided that they want a child.
Perhaps you and your husband are out of sync in this process. While you’re motoring ahead with solutions, ask yourself if you’ve allowed him any time to give up the dreams he may have nurtured—a sort of grieving process for his image of fatherhood. There’s also the issue of what his reluctance means not only for your prospects of having children, but for you as a couple. You may need to start from there—what is there between you? What’s left after all these years of trying? Perhaps tackling these questions might lead him to see a role for himself as a husband again and, possibly, a road back to a different kind of fatherhood.
Wilhemina
SHOULD I SEE A CAREER COACH?
Dear Wilhemina
I’m in my late fifties and the publishing company I’ve worked at for 20 years is making me redundant. I’ll have enough money to tide me over for at least a year but I love my job and dread the lack of stimulation and social contact. In some ways I do feel like a change of direction, but I’m not sure where to start. Friends have suggested I see a career coach. Is this a waste of time?
Peter F
Dear Peter F
While I understand your anxiety, don’t moan too loudly about this to friends. You’re in an almost enviable position: a desire to change direction, time to think and money to allow for it. It’s important to get help and advice but coaching, like anything else, is about what you make of it. People often expect a coach will “sort them out” when in fact they can only help you as much as you work on things in your time. And your choice of adviser makes a huge difference. Ask for names that have been tried and tested; avoid flipchart-toting idiots who’ve never had a job outside the “advice” industry. This may seem obvious but you’d be surprised at the number of career coaches whose sole claim to fame is to have made coaching lucrative. Talk to people who know what employers are looking for. And, above all, give yourself time and space to practise what you like.
Wilhemina
Send your problems—in confidence—to wilhemina@prospect-magazine.co.uk
Dear Wilhemina
I’m 46 and I work for a large international organisation. I’ve been based in Geneva for a few years and now have the opportunity to work abroad again. But the job is an 18-month posting in what is in effect a war zone and I have a wife and a young family. The pay will be good, but the downsides are the physical threat and that no family visits are allowed. (I will be able to leave once in a while to see them.) My wife is adamantly opposed to it. She says it’s unthinkable as long as three children—as well as she, to some extent—depend on me, and that I just have to accept that this part of my professional life is over. But I miss the excitement and, dare I say it, the thrill. Am I being unreasonable?
Robert
Dear Robert
Yes: unreasonable, selfish and childish. You say you’re 46—grow up! Admitting you miss the thrills is honest, but it doesn’t get you off the hook. You seem to have an extraordinary disregard for what you and your wife have built together. If you had no choice, it would be different and you could argue that your wife had, in part, signed up for this. But you can stay in your job in Geneva and you’ve been on these type of dangerous assignments before, so you haven’t been cheated out of your thrills. Times change, life and family make different demands on you. Surely you know this? Is your life so dull that you need to take such a gamble just to spice it up? If so, that’s what you need to address.
Wilhemina
MY HUSBAND WON’T ADOPT
Dear Wilhemina
What do you do when you desperately want children, you’re 42 and you can’t imagine a life without them, you’ve tried everything and you know that conceiving is very unlikely because you’ve been told your chances are less than 1 in 20—but your husband doesn’t want to adopt? Can you sense my frustration?
Carolina
Dear Carolina
I do sense your frustration; you must feel very alone. But you’re not. The fact is that most women are more open to adoption than men. Even in couples who do adopt, the overwhelming evidence is that the men were at best persuaded, at worst dragged there.
First, try to understand why he may not be so keen. The temptation is to reach for hackneyed explanations such as the importance of the bloodline or heritage for men. While this may be true for some men of your generation, I don’t think this quite does them justice. Given the transformations that gender roles and property arrangements have undergone in the past few decades, I doubt that the lineage aspect is crucial. But men often fear they won’t know what to do when a child arrives—especially as they are now also expected to be much more involved in child-rearing. That fear may lead them to cling to the belief that they’ll find part of themselves in a child, to guarantee a bond. Adoption offers no such reassurance. While women arguably also face this problem, the anxiety seems less acute. Women may wonder if they will love an adopted child in the same way as they would a biological child, but they don’t wonder if they will be able to love them at all, because they’ve already decided that they want a child.
Perhaps you and your husband are out of sync in this process. While you’re motoring ahead with solutions, ask yourself if you’ve allowed him any time to give up the dreams he may have nurtured—a sort of grieving process for his image of fatherhood. There’s also the issue of what his reluctance means not only for your prospects of having children, but for you as a couple. You may need to start from there—what is there between you? What’s left after all these years of trying? Perhaps tackling these questions might lead him to see a role for himself as a husband again and, possibly, a road back to a different kind of fatherhood.
Wilhemina
SHOULD I SEE A CAREER COACH?
Dear Wilhemina
I’m in my late fifties and the publishing company I’ve worked at for 20 years is making me redundant. I’ll have enough money to tide me over for at least a year but I love my job and dread the lack of stimulation and social contact. In some ways I do feel like a change of direction, but I’m not sure where to start. Friends have suggested I see a career coach. Is this a waste of time?
Peter F
Dear Peter F
While I understand your anxiety, don’t moan too loudly about this to friends. You’re in an almost enviable position: a desire to change direction, time to think and money to allow for it. It’s important to get help and advice but coaching, like anything else, is about what you make of it. People often expect a coach will “sort them out” when in fact they can only help you as much as you work on things in your time. And your choice of adviser makes a huge difference. Ask for names that have been tried and tested; avoid flipchart-toting idiots who’ve never had a job outside the “advice” industry. This may seem obvious but you’d be surprised at the number of career coaches whose sole claim to fame is to have made coaching lucrative. Talk to people who know what employers are looking for. And, above all, give yourself time and space to practise what you like.
Wilhemina
Send your problems—in confidence—to wilhemina@prospect-magazine.co.uk
