I'm five foot one and conscious of being small. I have a fear of tall people, which is most people when you're my height.
9Anything that goes bang
I am afraid of fireworks, thunder and lightning. I don't go outdoors, I hide in hallways, away from windows. I don't want to see the flashing lights.
8Letting people down at dinner parties
Before the guests arrive, I think "Oh God, there's not enough food!" There's always enough food. I can't stand not being good enough. Deep down, I'm actually afraid of not being good enough for myself.
7Being self-indulgent
I grew up thinking one has to do things that are useful to others. This may be why I postponed writing fiction.
6The ineffectuality of individual action
During the anti-war march, I thought: what's the value of our individual action in relation to these huge powers? When I was younger I believed that I could make big statements and that somebody would listen, but I fear now that our voices, even collective voices, are not enough. There is a sense of helplessness, as an individual, in terms of trying to bring about change.
5Jail
I have been to a prison once, while working for the National Theatre, to see a production in conjunction with Brixton jail. Everything about the place terrified me: the smell, seeing the prisoners on benches chained together. I would be terrified to have to spend even one day in prison. It is a real hell.
4The welfare of the next generation
We may not be giving them the tools for the future—materially, emotionally, intellectually. I fear that we're not supporting them enough. It's a sense of my own generation being too critical, too quick to judge.
3The future of Africa
While writing my novel, I often found myself in tears about the children of Sierra Leone. They have been so affected by the war, whether as child soldiers or by being physically brutalised, losing their chances of education, their homes. The ten-year civil war devastated the landscape. This is a fear of not being able to recoup those huge losses, to rebuild in every sense of the word.
2Disrespect and disbelief
Once I turned up at a hotel and gave my name, Dr Jarrett-Macauley. The receptionist looked down and said, "He's not here yet." It is a fear of other people's disrespect, the kind that leaves you no room to manoeuvre. I can keep affirming, I can keep asserting and it's just brushed aside. As a black woman, I worry about people disregarding my authority.
1Getting old and not having money for the fuel bills
The idea of being too old to pay for gas and electricity frightens me. There is a tradition going back to postwar Britain, of black people forming partner groups to fund their housing because they were refused by building societies. I mentioned this fear to women in my partner group, and they all said, yes, I worry about that too.
