I was always terrified of spiders as a child. I no longer think they're bigger than I am, but they still make me uneasy.
9 Operations.
When I was about 15 months old, I had a major operation on my leg. Ever since then I have got very anxious in hospitals. I suspect that many people my age are frightened of the prospect of a slow death in hospital. Everyone wants a quick death.
8The idea of writing badly, or not knowing I'm writing badly.
Or even worse, not being able to write at all. I write with huge difficulty. I always say I'm not a very good writer, but I'm a very good rewriter. I have a love affair with language. Writing itself is about thinking about one's fears, coming to terms with them and controlling them.
7Re-emergence of God.
It's one of the great disappointments in my life. When the Berlin wall came down, I thought that I had seen the last of the religions die. And now we've got Muslim fundamentalist lunatics, Christian fundamentalist lunatics and fundamentalists running the politics in Israel. The idea of everyone believing again is deeply depressing. It's very much a fear for the future. I believe in the Enlightenment. I do not believe in religion.
6Money.
This has been a perpetual anxiety. I have never had financial security. I'm used to living from one month to the next. At my age, it has become extremely difficult, because I haven't got the ideas or the energy that I used to have. One of the great things about getting old is you truly run out of ambition.
5Losing control.
I've climbed a lot of rocks and I've played a lot of poker. Poker, played seriously, is not about gambling, just as climbing is not about taking risks. It's about controlling risks. That's where the real pleasure lies. I love pushing the envelope, to see how far one can go. When I was in my 30s I got hit by a snowstorm in the Dolomites and had to wait it out on a minute ledge, 1,200 feet above the ground. The experience of almost freezing to death removed all sorts of anxieties.
4Loss of memory, loss of mental acuity.
When you can't remember words—that's pretty hairy for a writer. That's a real dread: that you become stupid with old age. And deafness: I love music, and losing my hearing would be awful.
3Not being able to swim.
In the 1960s, I broke my leg in a climbing accident. As a result, the cartilage gradually wore away in my ankle and now I can hardly walk. The one thing I can do is swim. What would be awful is if my ankle deteriorated so badly that I couldn't make it to the ponds on Hampstead Heath.
2The fears that come with the closing stages of a guy full of appetite.
I would hate for those suddenly to go: sexual, food… I love the physical life. What I'm not frightened of is death. I don't believe in an afterlife. If I die, I die. I've had a very good life.
1My wife dying before me.
We have a very close marriage and I can't imagine life without her.
