I'VE LIED ABOUT MY AGE TO MY BOYFRIEND
Dear Wilhemina
I’m in a ridiculous yet worrying pickle. When I met my boyfriend four years ago, I lied about my age. He was a few years younger than me and I wanted us to be the same age. Now he wants to throw us both a big 50th birthday party—but the trouble is that I’m actually turning 56! I never intended the lie to get this far, but one cover-up led to another. Should I tell him? If so, how?
Soon to be 56
Dear Soon to be 56
I’m torn between pity and admiration. How on earth did you keep this under wraps for so long? It wasn’t a major deception but, as time passes and closeness deepens, it’s turning into something larger by virtue of the cover-ups you have to engineer. In any case, it’s not tenable. So, yes, you have to tell him. It was a silly thing to do and you’re a little embarrassed but it’s hardly the end of the world. As a solicitor might put it, your age was not essential to the implied contract. Try to imbue the revelation with some of that silliness. Maybe bake yourself a birthday cake, add the right number of candles—and point that out? And add a little flattery: let slip that you only embarked on your ill-advised fib to ensure some sort of parity with his strapping youth.
Wilhemina
WE'RE DIVORCED BUT NOT SEPARATED
Dear Wilhemina
I split up with my wife three years ago, when our daughters were six and nine. Regardless of what drove us apart, we were both absolutely clear that we would prioritise the girls’ wellbeing. For me this meant making important decisions jointly and never letting our disagreements affect their lives. For her, this has meant demanding that things stay the same—that we do Christmases and birthdays together, that we live close by, that we see both families and attend family reunions. I’m sick to death of this, but when I bring it up she is adamant that since our children are doing so well, we must be doing things right. Would we really damage our daughters if we led truly separate, divorced lives?
JJ
Dear JJ
Your question comes a little late—you’re divorced! Although your wife has amputated that process and sugar-coated it (and you’ve gone along with this), whatever damage you do to your daughters is the inevitable consequence of your divorce. Don’t add to it by creating a sham. Divorce is difficult for children and it does transform their lives. But it can be well handled and, to begin with, what your wife encouraged was probably the right thing. Now, though, you need to consummate the end of your marriage. You may want to get some guidance—organisations like Relate help people split up well. Most importantly, let your children in on the act this time. Allow them to suffer, get angry and be confused. Then pick up the pieces—but as separate parents. The American novelist Pat Conroy wrote that “each divorce is the death of a small civilisation.” In your case, though, it seems the divorce simply pushed your civilisation into a strange, slow ice age. It’s time to move on to the next phase and start afresh.
Wilhemina
MY WIFE IS A SLOB
Dear Wilhemina
My partner and I have been together for nearly 15 years and, overall, our relationship works. I’m a GP with a fairly demanding job; she’s a writer and works from home. We have three children. I’m the main provider, though my wife earns a small irregular income. We’re not raking it in but we have a comfortable lifestyle—which is being undermined by the state of our home. Not to put too fine a point on it, my wife is a slob. The house looks like a bombsite with dishes in the sink, un-vacuumed and disgusting carpets, dingy bathrooms and piles of laundry and ironing everywhere (often I can’t tell which is which). It makes me not want to come home at night—I can’t relax there, and I’m far too embarrassed to ask anyone over. I do my best to tidy up but it is a losing battle, and I resent having to do this on top of a full-time job. I’ve wanted to get a cleaner for years, but my wife refuses: she says she doesn’t want someone poking around our house. She thinks the mess is not a serious problem and that I should just relax. It’s making me so unhappy that I’m ready to give her an ultimatum. How can I get her to accept some help?
Ready to walk out
Dear Ready
This cannot possibly just be about housekeeping. First, share the depth of your frustration and unhappiness with your wife: you say you have discussed it before, but perhaps you talked about the solution rather than the problem. Then ask yourself whether this might be about control rather than chores, perhaps resentment too, and even a pinch of envy. As lifestyle writer Heloise Cruse once said: “Housework is the reason most women go to the office.” How does your wife really feel about you being the breadwinner? Or the fact that you’re away all day earning recognition while she works from home (whatever her success and enjoyment). Is refusing to get a cleaner or do the housework more to do with exercising control over her only domain? Start talking about her refusal and your resentment. That’s the only way a solution you are both happy with will emerge.
Wilhemina
Send your problems—in confidence—to wilhemina@prospect-magazine.co.uk
Dear Wilhemina
I’m in a ridiculous yet worrying pickle. When I met my boyfriend four years ago, I lied about my age. He was a few years younger than me and I wanted us to be the same age. Now he wants to throw us both a big 50th birthday party—but the trouble is that I’m actually turning 56! I never intended the lie to get this far, but one cover-up led to another. Should I tell him? If so, how?
Soon to be 56
Dear Soon to be 56
I’m torn between pity and admiration. How on earth did you keep this under wraps for so long? It wasn’t a major deception but, as time passes and closeness deepens, it’s turning into something larger by virtue of the cover-ups you have to engineer. In any case, it’s not tenable. So, yes, you have to tell him. It was a silly thing to do and you’re a little embarrassed but it’s hardly the end of the world. As a solicitor might put it, your age was not essential to the implied contract. Try to imbue the revelation with some of that silliness. Maybe bake yourself a birthday cake, add the right number of candles—and point that out? And add a little flattery: let slip that you only embarked on your ill-advised fib to ensure some sort of parity with his strapping youth.
Wilhemina
WE'RE DIVORCED BUT NOT SEPARATED
Dear Wilhemina
I split up with my wife three years ago, when our daughters were six and nine. Regardless of what drove us apart, we were both absolutely clear that we would prioritise the girls’ wellbeing. For me this meant making important decisions jointly and never letting our disagreements affect their lives. For her, this has meant demanding that things stay the same—that we do Christmases and birthdays together, that we live close by, that we see both families and attend family reunions. I’m sick to death of this, but when I bring it up she is adamant that since our children are doing so well, we must be doing things right. Would we really damage our daughters if we led truly separate, divorced lives?
JJ
Dear JJ
Your question comes a little late—you’re divorced! Although your wife has amputated that process and sugar-coated it (and you’ve gone along with this), whatever damage you do to your daughters is the inevitable consequence of your divorce. Don’t add to it by creating a sham. Divorce is difficult for children and it does transform their lives. But it can be well handled and, to begin with, what your wife encouraged was probably the right thing. Now, though, you need to consummate the end of your marriage. You may want to get some guidance—organisations like Relate help people split up well. Most importantly, let your children in on the act this time. Allow them to suffer, get angry and be confused. Then pick up the pieces—but as separate parents. The American novelist Pat Conroy wrote that “each divorce is the death of a small civilisation.” In your case, though, it seems the divorce simply pushed your civilisation into a strange, slow ice age. It’s time to move on to the next phase and start afresh.
Wilhemina
MY WIFE IS A SLOB
Dear Wilhemina
My partner and I have been together for nearly 15 years and, overall, our relationship works. I’m a GP with a fairly demanding job; she’s a writer and works from home. We have three children. I’m the main provider, though my wife earns a small irregular income. We’re not raking it in but we have a comfortable lifestyle—which is being undermined by the state of our home. Not to put too fine a point on it, my wife is a slob. The house looks like a bombsite with dishes in the sink, un-vacuumed and disgusting carpets, dingy bathrooms and piles of laundry and ironing everywhere (often I can’t tell which is which). It makes me not want to come home at night—I can’t relax there, and I’m far too embarrassed to ask anyone over. I do my best to tidy up but it is a losing battle, and I resent having to do this on top of a full-time job. I’ve wanted to get a cleaner for years, but my wife refuses: she says she doesn’t want someone poking around our house. She thinks the mess is not a serious problem and that I should just relax. It’s making me so unhappy that I’m ready to give her an ultimatum. How can I get her to accept some help?
Ready to walk out
Dear Ready
This cannot possibly just be about housekeeping. First, share the depth of your frustration and unhappiness with your wife: you say you have discussed it before, but perhaps you talked about the solution rather than the problem. Then ask yourself whether this might be about control rather than chores, perhaps resentment too, and even a pinch of envy. As lifestyle writer Heloise Cruse once said: “Housework is the reason most women go to the office.” How does your wife really feel about you being the breadwinner? Or the fact that you’re away all day earning recognition while she works from home (whatever her success and enjoyment). Is refusing to get a cleaner or do the housework more to do with exercising control over her only domain? Start talking about her refusal and your resentment. That’s the only way a solution you are both happy with will emerge.
Wilhemina
Send your problems—in confidence—to wilhemina@prospect-magazine.co.uk
