What does it mean to be engaged?Dear Wilhemina
A couple of months ago my partner of two years asked me to marry him. I said yes and we are now engaged. In most respects, this new status hasn't changed anything—we are in no hurry to get married and so haven't set a date for the wedding yet. However, I am not enjoying the label "engaged" at all. In theory it's romantic, but I'm not sure what it involves. Is the same sort of fidelity implied as in marriage? Or is it a "lead-up" to a full commitment? How do I interpret it on a day-to-day basis? A few weeks ago, for example, I spent an evening with an ex-boyfriend. One thing led to another and we went well beyond flirting to something much more intimate. How guilty should I feel, considering I'm engaged?
Sarah
Dear Sarah Well, you are certainly a reminder that we're living in a post-Clinton era. Next you'll be telling me you didn't inhale. Frankly, while it's entertaining replying to you, the short answer is that you don't seem ready to get married yet, so why get engaged? A couple of other points. The concept of engagement is actually possibly the least romantic I can think of. It's like a lay-away plan for romance—"I sort of want to spend my life with you, but I don't want it to start yet." Great, pass the confetti. And given that nowadays being engaged no longer grants the betrothed any more social leeway than they would otherwise get, I don't see the point of it. By all means get married if you wish, but for God's sake just do it. There's no need for an elaborate hiatus. More to the point, the fact that you're not agonising with guilt, but agonising over guilt and whether you should feel it as you're "only engaged," suggests you haven't quite grasped the concept of commitment at the heart of all this. I'm not passing judgement—go ahead and fool around, feel nothing if that's how things stack up. But the issue here is not just semantics. WilheminaI don't want to become an AmericanDear Wilhemina I've been working for an American law firm in New York for nearly three years now. The job is good and I enjoy what I do, plus the city is fabulous. Now the company has made me an offer of an indefinite contract, complete with support for a green card. This would mean a permanent move to the US. I have no explicit reason to come back to Britain, but I'm not sure whether I'm ready to become a fully paid-up member of American society. The job is interesting but I find the US workplace to be rigid and humourless, and American society much more codified than I anticipated. The list of dos and don'ts seems endless and often feels like it sucks the fun out of life. Am I looking a gift horse in the mouth? StephenDear Stephen It sounds more as though you're unsure whether you want a horse at all. You're picking up on something that only comes from prolonged experience in the US. Viewed from the outside, the country seems like a place characterised by energy, risk-taking and opportunity. America is indeed all these things, but it is also a relatively young nation where rule-bound structures tend to play the role that we Brits are perhaps more likely to leave to tradition. This means that life can often feel a bit scripted—and nowhere more so than in the American workplace. So I do think the concerns you outline are valid. But I also think that you can get around them. First, try to think of this as an extension of the good life you lead now. No one is asking you to stay in the US forever. And more importantly, while what you fear may be real, what you describe is only one aspect of American society. Perhaps becoming a "fully paid-up member" would give you the time and motivation to explore the other parts? Things would be different if you were living in, say, Omaha—but you live in a great city made up of many worlds. Why do you need to stick to the narrow and well-defined part of it that you already know? WilheminaIs this a bad time to look for a new job?Dear Wilhemina I work for a large public-sector organisation. I've enjoyed my job most of the time, but after five years my contract is coming to an end and it may not be renewed. I know that I should be working to make sure it is, but in all honesty I'm fed up with the place and would like to try doing something else. I'm afraid, though, that this may not be the right time for a leap into the unknown. Steven E
Dear Steven E You're right: this really isn't the right time. I don't know what your financial circumstances are; you may not need to earn a salary—you may be Jay Gatsby. But given that you can only vaguely evoke the "doing" of "something else," it sounds to me that you don't have much of a plan for alternative employment. I suggest that you do everything you can to maintain your current job for as long as possible, and meanwhile plan your escape strategy—while getting paid. You might have noticed that it's cold outside. Wilhemina
Send your problems—in confidence—to wilhemina@prospect-magazine.co.uk
Dear Sarah Well, you are certainly a reminder that we're living in a post-Clinton era. Next you'll be telling me you didn't inhale. Frankly, while it's entertaining replying to you, the short answer is that you don't seem ready to get married yet, so why get engaged? A couple of other points. The concept of engagement is actually possibly the least romantic I can think of. It's like a lay-away plan for romance—"I sort of want to spend my life with you, but I don't want it to start yet." Great, pass the confetti. And given that nowadays being engaged no longer grants the betrothed any more social leeway than they would otherwise get, I don't see the point of it. By all means get married if you wish, but for God's sake just do it. There's no need for an elaborate hiatus. More to the point, the fact that you're not agonising with guilt, but agonising over guilt and whether you should feel it as you're "only engaged," suggests you haven't quite grasped the concept of commitment at the heart of all this. I'm not passing judgement—go ahead and fool around, feel nothing if that's how things stack up. But the issue here is not just semantics. WilheminaI don't want to become an AmericanDear Wilhemina I've been working for an American law firm in New York for nearly three years now. The job is good and I enjoy what I do, plus the city is fabulous. Now the company has made me an offer of an indefinite contract, complete with support for a green card. This would mean a permanent move to the US. I have no explicit reason to come back to Britain, but I'm not sure whether I'm ready to become a fully paid-up member of American society. The job is interesting but I find the US workplace to be rigid and humourless, and American society much more codified than I anticipated. The list of dos and don'ts seems endless and often feels like it sucks the fun out of life. Am I looking a gift horse in the mouth? StephenDear Stephen It sounds more as though you're unsure whether you want a horse at all. You're picking up on something that only comes from prolonged experience in the US. Viewed from the outside, the country seems like a place characterised by energy, risk-taking and opportunity. America is indeed all these things, but it is also a relatively young nation where rule-bound structures tend to play the role that we Brits are perhaps more likely to leave to tradition. This means that life can often feel a bit scripted—and nowhere more so than in the American workplace. So I do think the concerns you outline are valid. But I also think that you can get around them. First, try to think of this as an extension of the good life you lead now. No one is asking you to stay in the US forever. And more importantly, while what you fear may be real, what you describe is only one aspect of American society. Perhaps becoming a "fully paid-up member" would give you the time and motivation to explore the other parts? Things would be different if you were living in, say, Omaha—but you live in a great city made up of many worlds. Why do you need to stick to the narrow and well-defined part of it that you already know? WilheminaIs this a bad time to look for a new job?Dear Wilhemina I work for a large public-sector organisation. I've enjoyed my job most of the time, but after five years my contract is coming to an end and it may not be renewed. I know that I should be working to make sure it is, but in all honesty I'm fed up with the place and would like to try doing something else. I'm afraid, though, that this may not be the right time for a leap into the unknown. Steven E
Dear Steven E You're right: this really isn't the right time. I don't know what your financial circumstances are; you may not need to earn a salary—you may be Jay Gatsby. But given that you can only vaguely evoke the "doing" of "something else," it sounds to me that you don't have much of a plan for alternative employment. I suggest that you do everything you can to maintain your current job for as long as possible, and meanwhile plan your escape strategy—while getting paid. You might have noticed that it's cold outside. Wilhemina
Send your problems—in confidence—to wilhemina@prospect-magazine.co.uk
