I don’t want to belt-tighten
Dear Wilhemina
My partner and I live in Sheffield with our three children. We are one of those middle-class families who will be particularly hit by the Tory cuts. We’re lucky to have a small mortgage and stable jobs, but my wife says we must rethink our “rampantly consumerist” lifestyle. But I don’t feel I have anything to atone for: we didn’t spend the past decade swilling champagne on yachts. Nor am I willing to live miserably just to go with the flow. Am I failing to learn my lesson, or has everyone gone a little over the top? Brian
Dear Brian
First, it’s worth considering the real impact the Budget will have. Yes, the 2.5 per cent VAT rise and the child-benefit freeze will add up, especially for families like yours. But this doesn’t have to affect your lifestyle dramatically—unless you let it. In their recent book, Animal Spirits, George A Akerlof and Robert J Shiller argue that unless governments can persuade people to feel confident and spend, all of us will suffer financially for years to come. The roots of this strange spirit of “atonement” run deep. Do we, on some level, feel the need to be punished for never having had it so good? Might we secretly welcome a return to an age of restrictions, in which we do not suffer from what Avner Offer terms “the challenge of affluence” and its bewildering freedoms? Might there be hidden comfort in a new age of deference to an elite who feels justified in admonishing a nation—much as they would children who have had too much ice cream at a birthday party and are sent to bed without any dinner? It seems to me that there’s a puritanical streak running through our eagerness to accept the “tough” measures imposed on us. You and your wife will have to compromise, but you must ask whether, like the current government’s, her drive to cut is partly motivated by something that has nothing to do with necessity.
Wilhemina
My son has Asperger’s
Dear Wilhemina
A few months ago my son was diagnosed with mild Asperger’s syndrome. He’s eight and a bit of a handful, has trouble concentrating and is, at times, socially awkward. But we never suspected that he had a syndrome. I’m not sure how to deal with it, and whether we should share the information with his school and other people. Do we not risk making things worse by imposing a label that seems both vague and constraining at the same time?
Claire B
Dear Claire B
You’re right: this label is unsatisfactory. Asperger’s encompasses such a range of symptoms, from mild social awkwardness to much more severely disabling problems. But for sufferers, recognition of the syndrome has helped lift the shame associated with being less able to deal with certain challenges or situations—not because you’re weird or slow, but because you’re processing things differently. This isn’t to be underestimated. And it has led to dedicated resources for children such as yours, who may need extra support at a time when schools are struggling to deal with mainstream demands. Research shows that the “little social awkwardness” you identify often leads to falling behind in school—which can lead to bigger problems if support isn’t available. So bear in mind that this diagnosis could make a positive difference in your child’s life. But I’d give some thought to who needs to know and who doesn’t, and make the most of it when it’s useful while not imposing it. It’s a diagnosis, not a definition.
Wilhemina
My daughter says I’m a slag
Dear Wilhemina
I’ve been locked in trench warfare with my 11-year-old daughter for a year. Every day she throws a fit over the fact that I wear make-up. What began as a few pointed questions (how can you call yourself a feminist?) has turned into verbal abuse (how can you go out looking like such a slag?). I’ve tried to explain why I enjoy wearing make-up and that it’s appropriate for an adult woman, but it doesn’t seem to be helping. Friends tell me it will blow over, but it feels out of control. Am I overreacting?
Liz B
Dear Liz B
Of course you’re not overreacting. It’s completely inappropriate for a daughter to call her mother a slag. Trying to explain your choice was a good first step. But, while your 11 year old may be quite the precocious feminist, I think it’s obvious that this has nothing to do with your wearing make-up. I would wager, in fact, that if you stopped the make-up tomorrow, you would have another war on your hands within a month about something else. So what might your make-up represent? Might she see it as your making yourself attractive to others, which she finds threatening? A fear of abandonment perhaps; or is it that she’s seeking possible traits in you that she can use to disqualify you from being a “good mother,” and therefore not an authority figure of any kind? Dare I ask where your partner stands on this, if he’s in the picture, and how this gets played out between her and him? I don’t think justifying your choice in this matter any further is either useful or appropriate, but you’re right to take it seriously and look for what the real causes of this growing furore might be.
Wilhemina
Send your problems—in confidence—to wilhemina@prospect-magazine.co.uk
