If I ruled the world: David Sedaris

If I ruled the world the first thing I’d do is concede all power to the real King, who, in case you don’t happen to know is named Jesus Christ. A lot of people have managed to forget this lately, so the second thing I’d do is remind them of it. Not only would I bring back mandatory prayer in school, I’d also institute it at work. Then in skating rinks and airports. Wherever people live or do business, they shall know His name. Christ’s picture will go on all our money, and if you had your cheques specially printed with sail boats or shamrocks on them too bad for you because from here on out, the only images allowed will be of Him, or maybe of me reminding you of how important He is.

T-shirts with crosses and apostles on them will be allowed, but none of this nonsense you see nowadays, this one my neighbour has, for example, “Certified Sex Instructor,” it says. He claims he only wears it while mowing the lawn, but in the summer that’s once a week, which in my book is once a week too often. I mean, please, he’s seventy-two!

Jesus and I are going to take that T-shirt, and all the ones like it, and use them as rags for washing people’s mouth’s out. I normally don’t believe in rough stuff, but what about those who simply refuse to learn? “Look,” I’ll say to Jesus, “enough is enough. I say we nail some boards together and have ourselves an old fashioned crucifixion.” It’s bound to stir up a few bad memories, but having been gone for all that time he probably won’t know how bad things have gotten. “Just turn on the radio,” I’ll tell him. “It’s the things next to my ferret cage with all the knobs on it.”

Jesus will tune in to our local so-called music station and within two minutes he’ll know what I’m talking about—music so rude it’ll make his ears blister. And the TV! I turned mine on the other morning and came upon a man who used to be a woman. Had a little mustache, a pot belly and everything. Changed her name from Mary Louise to Carl and sat back with a satisfied smile on her face, figuring she’d licked the system. And maybe she did last year when they did the operation, but Jesus is the system now, and we’ll just have to hear what HE has to say about it.

The creature on TV—I can’t say male or female without bringing on a stomach ache—said that when it was a woman it was attracted to men, and that it still is. This means that now, on top of everything else, it’s a homosexual. As if we didn’t have enough already, some doctor had to go and make one!

Well, to hell with him—quite literally—and to hell with all the other gays too. And the abortionists, and the people who have had abortions, even if they were raped or the baby had three heads and delivering it was going to tear the mother to pieces. “That was YOUR baby,” I’m going to say to Jesus. “Now, are you going to just sit there and watch it get thrown onto some trash heap?”

And Jesus will say, “No, Cassie Hasselback I am not!”

He and I are going to work really well together. “What’s next on the agenda?” he’ll ask, and I’ll point him to the vegans and others who think their God is the real one. The same goes for the Buddhists and whoever it is that thinks cows and monkeys have special powers. Then we’ll move on to the comedians with their “F this” and “GD that.” I’ll crucify the Democrats, the Communists, and a good ninety-seven percent of the college students. Don’t laugh, Tim Cobblestone, because you’re next! Think you can let your cat foul my flower beds and get away with it? Well think again! And Curtis Devlin who turned down my application for a home improvement loan, and Carlotta Buffington who only got her job because she’s paralysed on one side, and even my grandson Kenyan Bullock. He just turned five, but no matter what Trisha says, this is not a phase—the child is evil and it’s best to stop him now before any real damage is done. And all the other evil people and whores, and liars who want to take away our freedom or raise my taxes; they shall know our fury, Jesus’s and mine, and burn forever.