If I ruled the world: PJ O'Rourke

I’d leave people alone. Humans are a self-organising species. Paleontologists say we began making tools two-and-a-half million years ago. I doubt we did so in response to a Stimulus Act from the president of United Homo Erectus.

Making anything requires some form of self-organisation, as even the acrimonious mess of making breakfast at my house on school mornings shows. Breakfast at my house also shows that just because we’re self-organising doesn’t mean we’re good at it. Autonomously generated systems of caste, class and governance are as unpleasant as my kitchen on Mondays at 7am, and more violent, repressive and exploitative. But putting me in charge of the world won’t fix things any more than putting me in charge of scrambling the eggs.

Like anyone who daydreams, drinks or spends too much time in political chat rooms, I have an idea of economic and political perfection. I also have an idea of what happens when perfection is forcibly imposed on people—guillotine, Gestapo, gulag and Great Leap Forward. I’m a nicer guy than Robespierre. But my character hasn’t been tested by absolute authority. Only once have I exercised might and main over another being. That was when I trained my highly obedient and strictly-disciplined bird dog. And even then the kids got to name her. Get the hell off the couch, Fluffy.

Having all the power on earth would present me with too many temptations. Since I’m a nicer guy than Robespierre, these would be temptations to do good. There’s a strong streak of do-gooder in Americans. Actually, if you think about it, Americans do have all the power on earth. Look where it’s gotten us in Iraq, Afghanistan and our public schools.

Decisions about these matters were made by all of America’s do-gooders put together. On my own, I’m sure I could do worse. The wisdom of the many is greater than the wisdom of the few. This is the principle of democracy. Democracy stinks but it works. Every other political system just stinks. The principle of every other political system is the theme of this essay: “I’m the boss.”

Superior wisdom of the many is also the principle of the free market. Even in a double-dip recession with a European Union debt crisis looming, the free market works better than my investment strategy (short gold and buy subprime mortgage debt).

If I ruled the world, I’d be guided by the great theorist of the free market, Adam Smith. In 1755 Smith wrote a paper in which he criticised interference with natural rights and private interests by politicians and what today would be called New York Times columnists. “Man is generally considered by statesmen and projectors as the materials of a sort of political mechanics,” he said. “Projectors disturb nature in the course of her operations in human affairs, and… all governments which thwart this natural course… are unnatural, and, to support themselves, are obliged to be oppressive and tyrannical.” His prescription: “Little else is requisite to carry a state to the highest degree of opulence from the lowest barbarism but peace, easy taxes, and a tolerable administration of justice.”

Peace is a problem. There’s a side to mankind’s self-organising that organises the purchases of AK-47s in large quantities. And easy taxes are unlikely, given current ideas about citizen entitlements. We’d need a simpler and more self-reliant polity. The Comanches of the Texas plains had easy taxes. But I fall off horses and I’m scared of buffaloes. Tolerable administration of justice I could do, provided that, when I took the bench, I wasn’t hung-over, hadn’t had a fight with my wife, and my underwear didn’t itch.

Still, I’ll accept the burden of office. I’d rather rule the world than let anyone else do it. Adam Smith is dead. We tried Alan Greenspan. Ron Paul would be too doctrinaire in his libertarianism. You wouldn’t just get to do what you want, you’d have to do what you want. Two tubs of ice cream and a pack of Marlboros for lunch.

No doubt I’d give in to some temptations. Bashar Assad, Kim Jong-Il and the Kardashian sisters would be arrested. But mostly I’d mind my own business—the business of enjoying the job’s perks. There’d be jets, helicopters, chauffeured cars, the World Ruler Mansion in the Bois de Boulogne, World Ruler Winter Palaces in Maui and Gstaad, World Ruler Retreats in Scotland for grouse season, South Dakota for pheasant season and so on, and a separate jet for Fluffy, who smells.

One thing I can promise. If I ruled the world it would be a better place—for me.