Churchill scowls at me from his pedestal. A pigeon has made its mark on David Lloyd George’s head. I’m waiting by Parliament Square for satellites to beam in another British political icon. A pillar of stately dignity, if pillars had bins for heads.
Having beaten Ukip and outlasted old rivals Boris Johnson and Theresa May, Count Binface is now running against Rishi Sunak. Formerly an intergalactic space lord, he now styles himself as a space warrior. “I was a lord, but to demonstrate just how much I believe that the House of Lords needs to go, I abolished my own peerage.” It’s a move he calls “ironically, quite noble.”
If elected, Binface pledges to build “at least one” affordable house. Allocation would be determined by a gladiator-style knockout tournament to decide which borough it should be in, followed by a means-tested lottery system for eligible applicants. His manifesto also includes tying ministers’ salaries to those of nurses for the next 100 years (“what’s harder: having a subsidised lunch and a drink on the terrace, getting lobbied by goodness-knows-who… or doing an A&E shift on a Saturday night in Lewisham hospital?”), getting train WiFi working and ensuring 99 flakes cost 99p.
I put the same question to Binface that ITV asked Sunak: as a (Recyclon) child, was there anything he went without? “I mean, I have come up through a dynasty of intergalactic space warriors that dominate the sigma quadrant. So I’m not going to play the poverty card.” But is there a particular policy close to his central fluid-pumping organs? Bringing Ceefax back. He is indignant when I wonder whether this could alienate younger voters. “Well I’m an alien. So what’s the problem there?”
To his credit, Binface doesn’t deflect questions. He’s “flattered” by accusations that a 5702-year-old in a cape could split the vote away from Labour in Yorkshire. If voters choose “an alien with a bin for a face” and a policy to “make national Yorkshire pudding day a bank holiday” then “the Labour Party needs to try harder”, he says.
He has criticisms of his own. “The whole point of a parliament is to send people, from the various areas of the country, to parliament to represent. So having a party system which allows people to be parachuted in, as constantly happens, completely desecrates the democratic process.” MPs should live in an area for four years before standing in its seat, he says—an idea constituents can’t refuse.
Not to be limited by local issues, he offers novel geopolitical solutions. Binface has previously advocated for a referendum… about whether we should have another referendum. Now he proposes inviting European countries to join the UK, “creating a new ‘Union of Europe’, if you will.”
Oh, and he wants to represent the UK at Eurovision. I worry the guttural chants of the mountain lizard people of Kepler 186f may not score well with the earth judges. What would he perform? “I would concoct the greatest new piece of music ever heard by human ears.”
“If [Prospect editor Alan Rusbridger] supports the Binface campaign for Eurovision, I’ll support him and Nick Davies in their continued quest for justice on the phone hacking front,” he adds, “which I’m a big fan of, by the way.”
We talk about campaign tactics, including the wacky stunts of a certain Lib Dem leader. “Well, that’s the thing about Ed Davey, you know, these novelty politicians do have a place in British politics.” Of course, he notes, some will accuse Davey of “cheapening” the political arena. “But I say no, let him do it! All power to him.”
It’s not Binface’s style, but he’s happy for Davey to get on with doing “silly things” in “funny get-ups”, “while the rest of us get on with, you know, crunching the numbers on how much it will cost to put a space bridge on Northallerton high street.”
“If people want to vote for a clown, they might vote Liberal Democrat. If they want sensible policies, well then, I’m here to pick up the pieces.”
The road to Bindependence may be long. In the autumn, he launches his debut comedy tour. But I can’t help feeling that, in Westminster’s hallowed halls, a walking, talking bin wouldn’t seem terribly out of place.
Count Binface is one of twelve candidates running against Rishi Sunak in Richmond and Northallerton on the 4th July. His podcast Trash Talk is available to stream and his debut comedy show is touring the UK from 12th September to 27th October.
