I have given little thought to what I would do if I ruled the world, since I would insist on coming to power through an election and I suspect I have said enough in print over the years to ensure that I would never get voted in. That said, I am glad that Prospect has seen fit to elevate me without the inconvenient intervention of democracy.
In my new role, my first fiat would be to overrule the suggestion that the world could be improved with just one idea—I would have to go to lunch with the editor of the magazine to change the rules. That done, I would (in true democratic fashion) appoint my brother Mark as Environment Emperor to combat climate change; my old Australian colleague Richard Bourke as Human Rights Tsar; and a sampling of other experts to cut a swift swathe across the more obvious flaws in global governance.
My own overriding mission would be to silence the nattering nabobs of negativity who harp on about how the sword of Damocles hangs perpetually over us all.
First, I would address the fear and hatred that permeates our political debates. In the US, as in this country, the people are told that terrorists are battering down the door to their houses. In reality, Americans had less chance of dying in a terrorist attack last year than they did drowning in their own baths. So, just as George W Bush rebranded various agencies with the Orwellian title the “Department of Homeland Security,” I’d change it to the “Department of Bathroom Safety.”
We are lied to every day about the need to sacrifice liberty for security. In truth we could ensure our own security if we would only behave better—stop invading foreign countries, stop supporting foreign despots, and stop harassing foreign people.
I would have a pretty extensive agenda, but here’s one example: in Clive World, there would be an immediate end to the opaque world of the secret services. Edward Snowden’s revelations have, indeed, been shocking—but only because they embarrass the authorities. The notion that extremists “benefit” from learning our secrets is one of many fallacies. What member of al Qaeda does not know that he is being spied on? I know I am being snooped on, for goodness’ sake, and I resent it, because it is all so pointless. People in the shady world of secrecy make unwise decisions (such as wasting their resources reading my emails) in part because nobody ever delivers the long brown envelope of home truths: their actions (rendering prisoners to torture, banging people up in Guantanamo Bay without a trial, or droning an old lady and her grandchildren in Pakistan) do far more to provoke hatred around the world than to resolve it.
I might also encourage all citizens to read Oliver North’s novels, just so we can all see the madness that lies behind a Neocon’s fears. He thinks the National Rifle Association is key to staving off tyranny, yet, since 1980, there have been more than a million gun-related deaths in America.
If we need to stop all the fear and the hatred, the solution must be to inspire people to see wonder and purpose in their lives. It is sometimes said of British Airways that one cannot tell when the engines fail, because the people on board continue to whine. This whinging is most pronounced among politicians and the press, who seem dead set on showing everyone that they live in a horrid society determined to make their lives a misery.
For example, British politicians insist that the NHS is a catastrophe. It just isn’t true. An organisation that serves 60m people cannot be perfect, but I just got back from the US, where they spend more than double the amount per capita to secure dramatically less healthcare—and where the Republicans recently shut the entire government down to try to ensure that the poor should not receive Obamacare. My wife and I used to spend $5,000 per year each on mediocre health insurance in the US; now, the NHS gives us far better care at the Dorset County Hospital (for free!). The Cameron School of Management teaches politicians that trashing NHS staff is the best way to inspire them to better performance. It is bizarre.
British people are incredibly fortunate in many ways, and if people are to be happy we must remind them of this. On the other side of the same coin, we need to inspire people with a purpose in life.
My inaugural address would map out a scheme where all people, no matter what their walk of life, are encouraged to derive joy from helping those less fortunate than themselves—rather than the old, counterproductive lie that we can all be richer than each other.
