The rules of the debate

At around 11:45 am a debate was called in the main conference hall by Keith Vaz, who was chairing proceedings. At his announcement a great number of enthused delegates rose to their feet in the hope of being chosen to speak. He asked them in pained tones to sit back down again and refrain from waving umbrellas and parrots. Parrots?

"You remember my rules from yesterday," said Vaz, "no parrots." A hint of menace entered into the usually mellifluous voice.

Though called a debate, this was not debate in the commonly understood sense of the term. A series of speakers took the stand, the first of them a Council representative from the north east who delivered a devastatingly dull, yet mercifully brief speech and when he wrapped up, another group of wannabe speakers leapt up to grab the microphone from Vaz. A glance across reveals that Ed Miliband and Yvette Cooper, both moments earlier on the stage have exited. Vaz then asks whether there was a woman who wishes to speak, preferably from the south west. There is a pause. "You are not a woman," intones Vaz at one aspiring speaker.

A delegate from St Austell tells the room how short of money she is, despite having worked for 30 years in public service. "I am not a scrounger," she shouts. "I am frankly, bloody furious," and the audience warms to the speaker as she warms to her theme—a standing ovation follows. It was a belting impressive speech.

The debate concluded, Yvette Cooper the Shadow Home Secretary took the stage and started her speech with a few remarks about Kenya and the atrocious slaughter that has occurred there in the past few days. "We will never let extremists divide our nation." She then paid tribute to Doreen Lawrence, mother of Stephen Lawrence, who was murdered by racists in south London in 1993. Mrs Lawrence is due to take a seat in the House of Lords as a Labour peer—she received prolonged applause from delegates.

It was perhaps the most inspiring part of Cooper's speech, which was by no means endearing, if at times it was effective. There is a big clap line for her comment that Nick Clegg "couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag," but much of the speech is given over to portraying Britain as a crime-infested pit, in which victims are callously disregarded and perpetrators treated with an unacceptably light touch.

Ed's speech yesterday was successful in part for the simple reason that from time to time he smiled. As such he remembered the salesman's golden rule—that if you want people to buy what you've got, then the first thing you have to do is sell yourself. Ed had a good stab at doing this. Yvette did not. It is perhaps understandable given that her brief includes crime, terrorism and other such scary stuff. But when Cooper shouts that the Tory record suggests that the "nasty party" is back, she unwittingly does so using the very tone her comments are intended to disparage.

Ed Miliband will be answering questions in the main conference hall at 2:25pm—note the precision of that time. The Prospector will be there.