I would dive straight into the task of being world ruler and see which way the wind blew inside my head. I would be a happy-go-lucky leader with a love of all people and ideas, no matter how divergent or different. My first rule is that there would be no one leader and society would be structured around a system of open debate. I wrote a song for my last album called “Selfish Rubbish.” I wrote the first line in the style of Spike Milligan, and intended it to be sung it in the voice of the Welsh comedian Harry Secombe: “If I ruled the world there would be no one in it.” My point is that I don’t believe in hierarchical systems. Total domination leads to total destruction.
I have seen no positive work done by any world leader—only psychopaths who want to dictate to others. I would scrap all the traditional structures of government and empower people to make their own choices for their mutual benefit rather than their mutual destruction. Mahatma Gandhi is the only leader I have paid serious attention to. He went through some confusion in his younger years as a lawyer but found the right path. He ended up hating nobody. Fantastic.
But, you can’t just walk in and declare, “Here’s the new system.” That never works. It has to be a gradual change. As a child, I fell ill with meningitis and lost my memory for four years between the ages of seven and 11. I had to do a lot of soul-searching. Who am I? Why am I? For a period I didn’t even recognise my own parents. It was incredibly painful but it shaped my ability to question myself and the world around me.
Freedom of thought is what all these supposedly wonderful democracies yack on about but it’s not really what any of them offer us. I would want a system of open debate, where all subjects can be openly discussed. This is what’s missing from the current school system and from society as a whole. Our belief systems are one-sided, engineered by leaders who wish to control our thoughts, and this inability to think for ourselves leads to mutual aggression. You can see the evidence of that in the increased violence now dotted all around the world.
Is violence bred into us or is it inherent? I don’t know. I would get the world’s greatest thinkers to ponder this and other questions—thinking is the brain’s best activity. Most of the best challenges are fought inside our own heads. If that concept was co-opted by more people the need for war would lessen markedly. Competitive sports such as football are a more civilised form of confrontation, as are video games—I think those are better “murders” so to speak.
I would give plenty of thought to my inauguration speech, and throw in a few verbal grenades. They are delicious, and despite sometimes seeming frivolous, can inspire serious discussion. I would create a new character for the occasion; let’s call him Pucey Linguist. He would be open-minded and would be a naturist, no clothes, not a thread. It would be difficult when I visit Iceland but I’m sure I could cope. I wouldn’t die my hair green or anything like that, it’s just frivolity.
Money is an abstract thing, a nonsense. There is no creativity in piling up money. People who care about it too much are soulless. The concept of self-aggrandisement through material wealth would be a goner in my kingdom. I wouldn’t set rules on ownership, but people who bought 20 cars when in reality they only need one, would look foolish and wouldn’t be able to debate their stance effectively because it is clearly impractical. Eventually, money will disappear; there won’t be any need for it. There would be no jealousy or greed in my kingdom, only creativity. This might sound idealistic but anyone who is going to run the world needs to be idealistic.
I am no longer an anarchist—anarchy riddles itself with dictatorial policies and doesn’t like to be questioned. Despite what some people might think, I am not a violent and horrible person. All my songs are problem solving; I have never been one to stand up and just hate. My personal philosophy is more of a DIY, pure punk, approach; don’t sit back and wait for others to do things for you, don’t let others control you and don’t lie to anyone, except when you find yourself involved in an Irish storytelling session—where would a good Irish story be without at least 200 lies?
I don’t want a coat of arms or anything naff like that. A bit of pomp and ceremony is enjoyable but only as a form of glorious ridicule—the royal wedding was good fun. My public appearances would be a form of funfair meets circus, in which people would be encouraged to giggle throughout. It would be a much easier world if we hopped, skipped and jumped through life rather than moaning and turning it all into hideous drudgery.
As told to Serena Kutchinsky
