James Corden's live World Cup show was car crash television
In the traditional British summer of sport there are eight stages that the mood of the nation goes through before its eventual catharsis. These are: 1. Optimism (despite evidence to the contrary). 2. Raging nationalism (flags, T-shirts and the rest). 3. Early disappointment (resolutely ignored). 4. Blaming the referee (as our performance crumbles). 5. Disbelief. 6. Depression. 7. Naming the guilty men (FA, Lawn Tennis Association, Gordon Brown and so on). 8. Laughing it off. How has British telly been performing in pandering to this ritual? Magnificently. As we approach a major international football tournament, it is de rigueur for ITV desperately to poach a BBC anchor. This time round it stole Adrian Chiles. But, as with Des Lynam before him, it didn’t really work. Hosting ITV’s World Cup coverage Chiles seemed laid-back to the point of sedation, his schoolboy irony denying ITV’s coverage of England vs USA and England vs Algeria any sense of occasion. Indeed, these two appalling draws almost seemed to take their cue from Chiles’s lounge lizardry. The casting of the expert panel is also very important, particularly the foreigner who’s going to fawn about England’s prospects. Frenchman Patrick Vieira realised what he had to do and rose to the occasion, confidently predicting an England victory over the USA and, as doubts surfaced about Wayne Rooney, opining: “There’s nothing to worry about.” ITV also fell short with the now obligatory video packages which are meant to ameliorate the experts droning on for an hour before the match. These were perfunctory and unimaginative. Before England vs Algeria they even resorted to playing the pop video of James Corden and Dizzee Rascal’s unfeasible footie anthem (more about Corden later). Whereas the BBC’s video shorts were stylish, witty and even a touch surreal. These culminated in a “Perfect Day” chain-letter style presentation of Henry V’s St Crispin’s Day speech before the England vs Germany game. The dramatis personae included sporting champs such as Jenson Button (not a natural orator) tied together with the irresistible, gale-force bluster of Brian Blessed. So once again the BBC proved that for national events it has no rival. Gary Lineker was an admirable anchor who, in the preamble to the Germany game, knew what was required. The truth was that a dysfunctional England team had by this time put in performances that would have shamed Accrington Stanley’s blind veteran’s XI. But Lineker, abetted by Alans Hansen and Shearer, made out that we had every chance of winning. That is, we were still at stage three (see above). Only a pitch-side Roy Hodgson (now the manager of Liverpool FC) introduced a sober note. So much so that it was necessary to cut away from him as soon as possible lest reality creep into the proceedings. But then, at the final whistle when England’s humiliation was complete, Hansen and Shearer managed their 180-degree turn perfectly, identifying our boys as the abject bunch of overpaid no-hopers that they had been all along. Now we come to Smallscreen’s announcement of the worst television show so far this year by a long way: James Corden’s World Cup Live (ITV1 & ITV4). Corden is an actor we enjoyed in the original production of The History Boys. He’s a clever writer, having co-created the BBC comedy Gavin & Stacey, which he also starred in. But what was this car crash? How could something so crass have been allowed on ITV1? It was a live, laddish chat show full of monosyllabic, superannuated footballers whom Corden can now brag that he has met. Corden walked in through a faux-rowdy audience where it seemed to be a matter of chance whether his microphone would be functioning (the show was better when it wasn’t). His smug opening lines were: “How are we, gang? Are we alright?” A selection of token blondes were draped beside the likes of Ossie Ardiles and Peter Shilton (ITV4 is a men’s channel—geddit?). In the edition of 28th June the former tennis player Anna Kournikova was billed as a participant, but never mentioned. I noted a mystery blonde being shoehorned into a seat midway. Was it her? Who knows? Corden himself presented in the manner of a pub bore who has had a pint of lager, or six, too many. His most sophisticated reaction to interviewees was: “Oh dearie, dearie me.” That should have been the name of the show. Leaping nimbly over stages four to seven we come to stage eight of England’s World Cup journey. This, you will recall, is “Laughing it off.” Here 8 Out of 10 Cats World Cup Special (C4) and Mock the Week (BBC2) completed the process perfectly. You see, our team may have been worse than useless, but deep down we didn’t really care, did we? It was all just a bit of a laugh.
In the traditional British summer of sport there are eight stages that the mood of the nation goes through before its eventual catharsis. These are: 1. Optimism (despite evidence to the contrary). 2. Raging nationalism (flags, T-shirts and the rest). 3. Early disappointment (resolutely ignored). 4. Blaming the referee (as our performance crumbles). 5. Disbelief. 6. Depression. 7. Naming the guilty men (FA, Lawn Tennis Association, Gordon Brown and so on). 8. Laughing it off. How has British telly been performing in pandering to this ritual? Magnificently. As we approach a major international football tournament, it is de rigueur for ITV desperately to poach a BBC anchor. This time round it stole Adrian Chiles. But, as with Des Lynam before him, it didn’t really work. Hosting ITV’s World Cup coverage Chiles seemed laid-back to the point of sedation, his schoolboy irony denying ITV’s coverage of England vs USA and England vs Algeria any sense of occasion. Indeed, these two appalling draws almost seemed to take their cue from Chiles’s lounge lizardry. The casting of the expert panel is also very important, particularly the foreigner who’s going to fawn about England’s prospects. Frenchman Patrick Vieira realised what he had to do and rose to the occasion, confidently predicting an England victory over the USA and, as doubts surfaced about Wayne Rooney, opining: “There’s nothing to worry about.” ITV also fell short with the now obligatory video packages which are meant to ameliorate the experts droning on for an hour before the match. These were perfunctory and unimaginative. Before England vs Algeria they even resorted to playing the pop video of James Corden and Dizzee Rascal’s unfeasible footie anthem (more about Corden later). Whereas the BBC’s video shorts were stylish, witty and even a touch surreal. These culminated in a “Perfect Day” chain-letter style presentation of Henry V’s St Crispin’s Day speech before the England vs Germany game. The dramatis personae included sporting champs such as Jenson Button (not a natural orator) tied together with the irresistible, gale-force bluster of Brian Blessed. So once again the BBC proved that for national events it has no rival. Gary Lineker was an admirable anchor who, in the preamble to the Germany game, knew what was required. The truth was that a dysfunctional England team had by this time put in performances that would have shamed Accrington Stanley’s blind veteran’s XI. But Lineker, abetted by Alans Hansen and Shearer, made out that we had every chance of winning. That is, we were still at stage three (see above). Only a pitch-side Roy Hodgson (now the manager of Liverpool FC) introduced a sober note. So much so that it was necessary to cut away from him as soon as possible lest reality creep into the proceedings. But then, at the final whistle when England’s humiliation was complete, Hansen and Shearer managed their 180-degree turn perfectly, identifying our boys as the abject bunch of overpaid no-hopers that they had been all along. Now we come to Smallscreen’s announcement of the worst television show so far this year by a long way: James Corden’s World Cup Live (ITV1 & ITV4). Corden is an actor we enjoyed in the original production of The History Boys. He’s a clever writer, having co-created the BBC comedy Gavin & Stacey, which he also starred in. But what was this car crash? How could something so crass have been allowed on ITV1? It was a live, laddish chat show full of monosyllabic, superannuated footballers whom Corden can now brag that he has met. Corden walked in through a faux-rowdy audience where it seemed to be a matter of chance whether his microphone would be functioning (the show was better when it wasn’t). His smug opening lines were: “How are we, gang? Are we alright?” A selection of token blondes were draped beside the likes of Ossie Ardiles and Peter Shilton (ITV4 is a men’s channel—geddit?). In the edition of 28th June the former tennis player Anna Kournikova was billed as a participant, but never mentioned. I noted a mystery blonde being shoehorned into a seat midway. Was it her? Who knows? Corden himself presented in the manner of a pub bore who has had a pint of lager, or six, too many. His most sophisticated reaction to interviewees was: “Oh dearie, dearie me.” That should have been the name of the show. Leaping nimbly over stages four to seven we come to stage eight of England’s World Cup journey. This, you will recall, is “Laughing it off.” Here 8 Out of 10 Cats World Cup Special (C4) and Mock the Week (BBC2) completed the process perfectly. You see, our team may have been worse than useless, but deep down we didn’t really care, did we? It was all just a bit of a laugh.
