Simon's dad Pete came to Only Connect once and I caught him skinning up in the kitchen. Pete's an inspiration. He used to have a chain of ecstasy factories in nondescript Scottish houses, but he's done legitimate business too. When Simon was 14, in the last recession, Pete taught him how to get your enterprise out of trouble. They poured petrol all over the gym, dropped a match and watched it go.
When Simon was 21, he was living in his own £1m flat in Pimlico. Then he was in the Old Bailey, with his dad as co-defendant, but Pete skipped bail and Simon got a four-year stretch on his own.
Simon's girl is Karen and they look after dogs and horses out in Epping Forest. They also look after Karen's grown-up boys, Karl and Keith. Once, a psychiatrist left her dog with them, but Karl let him out... they searched for three hours till they found the dog with a broken leg on the hard shoulder of the M25. In the last year Karl's been charged with a hit-and-run (he swiped a child with his BMW), a rape (in the BMW; charges dropped), and a whole queue of driving offences. That car's got to go, says Simon.
Simon's mum is a darling. She pops in often, tiny as a mouse, and cooks lunch for us all. But she gets depressed sometimes—Tesco laid her off last year after 15 years—and Simon has to look after her.
Simon can't get a proper job because there's always someone who needs him. And if there are jobs he'd be good at—he's quick and clever and handy—what he's really brilliant at is being in a family. He's all you'd want in an uncle: faithful and generous, with a stand-up comic's repertoire of accents and filthy stories. He looks out for the kids in the streets and even the police know him as a good 'un. He should have been a policeman himself, really, but it's too late now.
Pete was arrested again a few months ago—some complicated story about a wrap of coke and a screaming match with his girlfriend which somehow ended up in the lobby of the police station. He was remanded to Pentonville and Simon was on the phone to us that afternoon. "Who do we know in the 'ville?" he wanted to know. "Dad won't get his canteen till next week and he's desperate for some smokes." We couldn't help.
